Every now and then I hate that I got this far, but only because it hurts and a second later I instantly regret thinking such a thing.

This is new, I admit, and now the learning process begins. I thought I was done growing up. I guess not. 

it means at the moment I am not a suitable candidate for grad school.

I feel like a shitty student.

I can't even find another class to take because my schedule is all over the place and so fucking particular that most of the few remaining open classes I can take I can't take in the first place because my schedule doesn't allow it. And I've already moved shit all over the place for the classes I already have but 13 credits is not going to cut it. I want to take my other writing course but supposedly I need departmental consent for the one class that could work for me ugghh why does my life have to be one big fat confusing tumultuous ride of what-the-fuck-am-I-really-doing

Oh my god, this is going to be... 

scary.

What the fuck, I started to freak out, a cat scan for my throat and some IV dye drip for an hour or so beforehand?? He said that if left out of control it could close up my throat and suffocate me from the inside. That it was urgent I go get the scan right away. And he was very certain it would turn up positive.

Well while we were at the outpatient at the hospital registering for the cat scan I passed out because I had barely eaten these past three days because of the pain and because I was scared to death of getting a cat scan. They had to carry me on a stretcher down to the ER and when I was more lucid they took my blood sugar, and it was at 64. For some reason the male nurse I had was a very mean person and raised his voice at me. I heard him yelling at another patient whose catheter fell out and complained it had been like that for hours. The nurse said, "You know we do the best we can here, stop complaining..." and other rude things. Then he came in afterward and said he had to give me a shot in my rear which I took with a grain of salt because if I asked for a female he would have just bitched at me just the same. 

Anyway the doctor who saw me was a very nice lady and said this NP had no idea what the hell he was talking about and called him up because he was going to put me through a very unnecessary procedure. She could see down my throat which means no abscess. Not to mention the dye and cat scan combination especially to the throat is a very large carcinogen and should only be done in the likelihood to absolutely confirm a certain diagnosis. She said for a 20 year old woman my size it could be very dangerous.

Anyway they gave me percocet and antibiotics and a throat numbing substance. Also the shot was a steroid which decreases inflammation since it is apparently acute bacterial pharyngitis and blasted my lymph node up to a very large size. Ughhh at least the percocet is doing its job... the pharmacy made a mistake and gave me 10 full pills. I was supposed to get 10 half pills because I am too thin for the full pills. Like I feel really out there right now. But a lot better.

I'm just pissed that NP put me through a million times of worry and unnecessary bullshit. It is a good fucking thing as my mom put it that I passed out. 

Anyway in other news my maternal grandmother contacted my mom last night. Or at least a state advocate. I have never met this woman, and my mother has not seen her in 34 years. She lost custody of my mom and aunt 40 years ago because she was an abusive alcoholic drunk and tried to kill my mother one night. My mom wants to see her with me, my brother, and her sister. Even though I am the spitting image of my dad, my mother says whatever is not a part of him comes from her. She says I have her skin and her eye shape among other slight things. 

But this lady has been a heavy drinker and smoker and is 76 years old so at this point she probably looks like a bad bag of leather. She's just a stranger to me anyway. It'll be weird. I don't know how to act.

The weirdest thing is the group home she is currently living in is in the same town as where my mother's younger sister lives. Apparently she gets driven past her house every day. Creepy.

(On another note I have also never met my paternal grandfather because he walked out on my grandmother 40 years ago too, but he is about 80 now and my dad thinks he is dead)

I mean to me I will only ever register that I have one grandfather and one grandmother. My mom's dad who unfortunately passed in 97 and my dad's mom who is thankfully still alive. 

But do you think it's a good idea if I see this woman? How should I act? Should I call her grandma? I'm so confused.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought truthfully to yourself that you were responsible for every action you performed and every word you thought, even in response to something else? It's difficult to say that our mistakes should always loom behind us until we truly gain enough to stop repeating them. Perhaps it's my fault the majority of the time, perhaps it's somewhere else in the other amount. 

I think this was supposed to be longer. But I'm too tired to write.